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camiwins

Public Diary: Revived

A Sleepless Night…

Instead of tossing and turning into the twilight hours of the day, I’ve decided to turn my evening sleeplessness into something productive and revive my blog.

When I say ‘revive’ what I really mean is remove all the posts (aka, ‘crap’) that I seemed to have put very little thought or care into and sanitize the layout from all social media links or references to a portfolio or resume. Sure, this deep clean wiped out a few weeks of work (okay, more like a few hours worth) but, MAN it felt so good.

After quickly purging the useless junk off the page, I was left with just two posts [1 & 2]that truly represented the spirit of this site. It was then a new commitment to this blog was born and this is my new mantra:

I will approach this blog with a new heart and mindset.
I will pour my soul into these posts.
I will make this my public diary.

First Entry

Now, since I’m still not sleepy, I’ll ramble on about what brought here, so if you’re bored and over it, cool. Check back tomorrow for something more interesting with a little less sleep deprivation. However, if you’re still reading… omg. ur so sweet. ilu.

Tonight was one of those nights where I fell asleep at a decent hour (*cough* showing my age here a bit) and wake up from a deep sleep to relieve my tiny bladder and find that I can no longer fall asleep. Hah. Okay, the thing I left out is I ran into the kitchen and scarfed down 1/3 of a bag of chips, but that’s because I’m a sleepy-eater (if that even exists) and can’t control myself when I know there’s a bag of chips in the kitchen calling my name. Anyway, I digress.

My first instinct after brushing the midnight snack off my teeth and crawling back into bed is to pull up my phone and mindlessly scroll through Instagram or Pinterest. I’ve gotten better at stopping myself after 10-15 mins, but it’s still a habit I’m trying to kick. Then, I tried putting on an audiobook, turning out the lights and closed my eyes getting lost in about 30mins of it and my attention started to wain.

Frustrated with myself and knowing full well that sleep has no abandoned me, I turned to my laptop and felt compelled to jump on the task that was pulling at my heart strings for over a year, which is why I’m here now. Typing away as my husband sleeps soundly next to me (I’m beyond envy) and spilling my thoughts all over the internet.

Oddly enough, my heart feels lighter already and the buzz in my brain has quieted. I used to journal quite a bit when times like these would strike, but I’ve given up on my bullet journal because I didn’t believe I was using it for its genuine purpose of getting my life together. In fact, I felt like I was doing it to feel like I had my life together. And that’s when a small thought was planted in my brain like a seed.

If I was doing that with my journal, what else have I done that with? I began to notice similarities in the reasons why I stopped posting on social media, why I’ve lost interest in vlogging and at 3AM in the morning, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ve been doing this in various aspects of my life and oh dear god, I want it to stop. Wow, it’s kind of powerful to admit that now, but I’m so grateful that I’ve realized it at all. Better late than never, eh?

It’s a pattern in my life that I was going to write off as laziness, lack of commitment, ADHD, or whatever excuse that continues this cycle of low self-esteem. But, enough’s enough. I’m over feeling this way and I’m done with watching my life slip by. Most of all, I’m done failing myself when I know I deserve better.

So… now what?

You can probably guess that I have no plan for what I’ll be doing next, considering I had no plans to even write this blog, but what I do know is after I press that blue ‘Publish’ button, I’ll feel a weight has lifted and can try to sleep again with a relaxed mind.

Or I’ll watch Marie Kondo on Netflix and live my life vicariously through the other families that got their lives together. Either way, I feel better and that’s all that matters.

And with that, I close my first diary entry and thank you for sticking with me, whoever you are. Can’t wait to see you again!