Beautiful Chaos

My husband bought me the new iPhone 8 plus for my birthday and I, of course, requested a glittery phone case to go along with it. I’ve started to allow myself these guilty pleasures lately and I am enjoying it quite a bit. Sure, it’s made the phone three times as heavy and even harder to hold for my little hands, but it’s pretty to look at. I often lie in bed and stare into the falling glitter as they float from one side of the case to the other. Sometimes, I flip it quickly before they all get to the bottom and watch the swirling milky way of sparkle. Each piece of glitter, large and small, clumsily bumps into one another trying to find a spot to rest. Finally, their world stays still long enough to snuggle together and rest before the chaos starts over again. It’s beautiful, really. I can’t help but compare my life now to the sparkling chaos that I hold in my hand. At the start of the year we had our lives shaken up, just like the phone case, and as soon as we think things have started to settle, it’s flipped and the blizzard starts up again.

My favorite part is when I’ve left the phone in one position long enough for all the glitter to sink and crowd the bottom, while the top half of the phone remains completely clear and you can see the phone underneath. I can’t resist the temptation and turn the phone to watch the pretty little snowstorm. That’s when I realized life is exactly the same way. Life can’t help herself and she absolutely must shake things up. So she can watch me endure the chaos. Each challenge, large and small, finding my way through the day. To her, my life and its memories are like glitter and I’ve come to accept that. I don’t know what I’m going to do about it, but I’m accepting it. This might be the depression that brings up the comparison, but it is perseverance that gives me the courage to write this entry.

One thing I know is that eventually, the phone is still and the glitter rests. It’s only in those moments that I can actually breathe. In the stillness I tend to lock myself in a comfortable box and sleep. If I sleep now, while everything is quiet, then maybe I can sleep through the storm and wake up when it’s all better. That’s gotten me through some days, weeks, months. But, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of sleeping my life away. Which is why I’m writing now. I’m filled with so many ideas but they’re entangled in fear and I’m drowning in self-loathing. It’s devastating because that isn’t who I am. This isn’t the person that I want to be. Instead of hiding in my dreamless sleep, I should be preparing to fight through the next storm because there is going to be a next one, guaranteed. I should be grateful for the stillness and literally count my blessings with every single piece of glitter. I’m regaining my health. I love my husband. My family is solid. There’s so much to be thankful for and no reason to keep hating myself. My life isn’t perfect and it never will be. My journey isn’t easy nor do I want it to be. And I’m not finished yet, so I’m going to kick start my life again.

My life is a beautiful chaos and I accept it.

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